


RC #227, Mission #12: Sore of the Explorer

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #227 [14]
Category: Dora the Explorer (Cartoon), Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Crack, Department of Floaters, I'm Sorry, PPC Mission, Sporking - Freeform, Squick, WTF, badfic, except I'm not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 05:33:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17502557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”— Albert EinsteinIn which Falchion hurts himself in his confusion.





	RC #227, Mission #12: Sore of the Explorer

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Falchion’s home continuum) belongs to Nintendo, Satoshi Tajiri and Game Freak. _Jurassic Park_ (Ripper’s home continuum) belongs to Universal Pictures and Michael Crichton. _Dora The Explorer_ belongs to Nickolodeon. Agents Falchion and Velociripper belong to me.  
> The fic being sporked, “[A Typical Day for Dora](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7774033/1/A-Typical-Day-for-Dora)”, belongs to [WilliamL](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2846745/WilliamL), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Granz the Ice Cream Monarch and Matt Cipher.
> 
> \- **Rating:** K+/PG - No. Just... just NO.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** November 28, 2016
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rg2qSvzD-jPG4P6r9d-6XpBDRq7QIuW_Gcd9VGupDp8/edit?usp=sharing)  
> 

Cover Illustration: [ On the other side … ](http://j8d.deviantart.com/art/On-the-other-side-174887608) by [ J8d ](http://j8d.deviantart.com/)

 

 

> “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
> 
> — Albert Einstein

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

“Oh, for the love of — _what now?!_ ” cried Falchion. He had just been about to take one of his after-lunch naps when the blasted console had gone off. _Again._

Stepping out of his nest, he headed over to said console and pecked at the big red button. “I _swear_ , if it’s _another_ one of those daughters of Remus Lupin, I’m gonna—”

A moment later, a certain disguised _Deinonychus_ , who was in his den repairing the Frankenturret the agents kept around in their RC, was turning the final screw into place when he heard a horrifying scream from the main room.

It took him only three seconds to drop what he was doing and dash over to his pack mate, who was standing in front of the console with the look one would get if they found out that someone had flooded their computer with pornographic freeware.

“Brother?” Ripper asked, prodding at the Skarmory with a finger and almost cutting said finger. “Are you alright?”

When Falchion didn’t respond, Ripper looked at the console. The corners of his mouth turned slightly downwards in confusion. “Huh? This is a self-proclaimed crackfic of… _Dora the Explorer_ , whatever that—”

Falchion screamed a second time. The minis, who had all scattered the first time and were now coming out of hiding, scattered again.

Ripper gently pushed the bird aside and started typing on the console. He searched for the appropriate Wikipedia article, and then raised an eyebrow. “Dora the Explorer _is an American educational animated TV series created by Chris Gifford, Valerie Walsh, and Eric Weiner. Dora the Explorer became a regular series in 2000. The show is carried on the Nickelodeon cable television network, including the associated Nick Jr. channel…_ ”

Falchion screamed a third time.

“Okay, stop it.”

Before Falchion could scream again, Ripper had closed his fingers around his beak. “I _said,_ stop it. We have a job to do.”

The sound of muffled speech coming from the Skarmory prompted Ripper to release his beak. Falchion immediately pulled his head back with a disgusted expression and said, “ _No!_ I won’t, a-and I have things to do, so—”

“Do I look like I care? Or does anyone else look like they do?” asked Ripper. “This is just a new habitat and who knows what we’ll encounter. We should be safe as long as we’re careful.”

“N-no, you don’t understand! I… I _hate_ that show! It’s everywhere and over-marketed and geared towards t- _toddlers_!”

“That hasn’t stopped this fic from being written.” Ripper checked the report again. “ **Just another normal day in Dora's adventurizing life. Yes, it does include the farting Maps, giant poop and a weird** — _Don’t. Scream._ Seriously. Do you _want_ to alert every predator within a three-mile radius?”

“I wasn’t gonna!”

“You looked like you were. Just. Let’s _go._ ”

Falchion took a deep breath and then let out a long sigh. There was no way he was getting out of this, that was clear. “Can I at least, y’know, uh, grab the Suebuprofen? I’ll need it. A lot. So…”

Ripper looked at his partner, a little exasperated, before entering disguises. “If you must…”

Falchion grabbed the Suebuprofen container from his nest hoard and dropped it into the Bag of Holding around his neck. “I’m packed, let’s get this over with!”

Ripper opened a portal and rolled his hazel eyes. “Let’s.”

 

********************

 

**The Mission**

 

“Ew ew _ewwww!_ ” said Falchion, cringing at the art style of his human disguise. “This show’s aesthetics do _not_ look good on me, _period_!”

“Like it or not, it’s camouflage,” replied Ripper. “We only have to do this for this fic, anyway. And it’s only eight chapters long.”

“Camouflage” was a bit overstating it, admittedly. The fic itself did not define the setting at all, so while it did resemble the actual cartoon to some extent, it looked more like a child’s crayon scribble in a crude imitation of said cartoon. If said child had been blindfolded.

“ _Only_ eight chapters?!” Falchion let out a groan of frustration. “I _can’t_ sit through _eight_ chapters of diabetes mixed with _bile_! Um, well, m-metaphorically speaking, I mean.”

“I’m not exactly happy about this, either. But if the Flowers aren’t going to listen to you complaining, then I probably won’t, either.”

“Aw, _really?!_ Like, whose side are you—”

“Hold that thought. It’s starting.”

 

> **One day, Dora was outside doing her… exploring stuff, while her blue pet monkey Boots tagged along behind her.**
> 
> **'Any sign of the Rock of ROFLness yet?' Boots asked Dora, his red boots scraping against the yellow-ish road they always seem to walk on.**
> 
> **'Nope,' replied Dora, 'not just yet. Wait! I see something!'**
> 
> **'Really?' Boots squinted at the horizon to try to get a closer look.**
> 
> **'Yes! It's coming up fast now!'**
> 
> **'Where? Where?' Boots screamed.**
> 
> **'I can see it now! It's yellow, all right! It's – the road!'**

Both agents mimicked Boots’ facepalm.

“And _that_ is part of the reason I hate her so much,” said Falchion. “Even in canon, she’s so unbe _liev_ ably stupid.”

“One would think she wouldn’t survive for very long in the wild,” replied Ripper. “Of course, children’s cartoons do a very poor job of simulating a realistic environment.  For one thing, no actual vegetation as far as I know comes in colors like this.”

“I hate this show. I hate this continuum.” Falchion double-facepalmed. “I flocking hate my life…”

At this moment, Dora was reaching into her backpack, no doubt trying to fish out her map. **Suddenly a huge green cloud of smelly gas floated up in Dora's face.**

 **'I** **_told_ ** **you not to pull my little finger,' the Map shouted angrily.**

It wasn’t just Dora who struggled not to vomit. Falchion opened his mouth, but Ripper cut him off.

“Before you complain, remember that my sense of smell is several hundred times more powerful than yours.”

Falchion retched, but managed to hold down his lunch for now. “This is so! _HORRIBLE!_ Not just the smell, no, but I flocking _hate_ toilet humor! How could _anyone_ think this was a good idea?!”

“This is unknown territory,” replied Ripper. “We must be prepared for anything. Including flatulent character replacements,” he added, noting the smell of smoke from his bag indicating that their C-CAD had short-circuited.

Falchion pinched his nose shut and shook his head.

The Map proceeded to give Dora the directions in his usual annoying fashion: **'You have to go up to the Troll's Bridge, past the Big Dog Poop On The Sidewalk, and then you'll be at the Rock of ROFLness! Repeat after me. Bridge, Poop, Rock. Bridge, Poop, Rock. Bridge, Poop, Rock. Bridge, Poop, Ro—'**

 

> **'ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!' screamed Boots. 'I know where to go!'**
> 
> **The Map instantly died of shock and crumbled to dust.**

Both Dora and Falchion proceeded to puke onto the ground. The latter proceeded to pull the Suebuprofen from his Bag of Holding and open it up.

“Falchion, wait, _don’t—_ ” cried Ripper, but it was already too late. Next thing he knew, his partner had poured a big handful of tablets onto his palm and gobbled them down like popcorn.

Whereupon he stared off into space, his eyes glazing over.

“You weren’t supposed to take more than one at once,” said Ripper. “Unlike you, I actually _read_ the warning label.”

“I — wha?!” Falchion looked around. “What happened? Where are we?”

Ripper rubbed his forehead with a finger. “You genuinely don’t know?”

“Uh, nope?”

The thought hit Ripper a moment later. Of course. “Falchion, you’ve taken far too much Suebuprofen. For all we know we’re probably in an eldritch location somewhere in the middle of a children’s cartoon, full of things that the world was never meant to see.”

Falchion looked at him, his eyes widening. “An… eldritch location?! In a _children’s cartoon?!_ ”

Ripper realized what he’d said, and then looked at his partner again, his expression slightly worried. “Look, as soon as we finish this mission, we’ll head back to our territory and get you to Medical. You look like you’re going to throw up.” He looked down. “Again.”

“I threw up?” asked Falchion. Then he looked down as well. “Oh, dear lord…”

“Let’s just move on. This chapter is pretty much over, anyway. And just to be thorough, that so-called Map is hereby convicted of having biology inconsistent with being a sentient piece of paper, being even more annoying than his canon counterpart likely is, and grossing out my partner.”

Ripper opened a portal, though not before giving his partner another anxious glance. Why did he feel that something terrible was about to happen in a few minutes?

 

> **We left Dora in a huge vomit-y heap on the ground and Boots cursing in frustration. Time to return to the story! {I do not own any of the characters in this, but I'm sure you already know that.}**

The in-text Author’s Note swooped down and bonked Falchion upside the head. On top of his amnesia and the buzz from his Suebuprofen, he now had a concussion to deal with.

 

> **After Boots had cleaned all the vomit off Dora, they set off again. Their first port of call was the Troll's Bridge.**
> 
> **When they got there, the Troll was, of course, standing in the middle of the bridge looking like he had a cold shower that morning.**

_When in doubt in a social situation, groom,_ was Ripper’s unspoken motto. While Falchion was rubbing his now aching head, he felt his partner pat him on the shoulder.

“Tha… hmm, that feels kinda nice,” Falchion said before giggling.

Ripper gave him a look of slight dismay. “What have I gotten myself into?”

“A-aren’t we in, well, the home turf of abominations out to kill us?” asked Falchion, unable to keep himself from chortling.

“…probably.”

 

> **'Well?' the Trolololol, sorry, the Troll said. 'Aren't you going to answer it? If you can't, then you bloody might as well clear off.'**
> 
> **Dora frowned. 'Too hard!' She pulled out a gun and shot him in the arm. Blood spattered out of it like a leak in a swimming pool. The Troll staggered to one side – and promptly fell off the bridge. There was a splattering sound. Boots preferred not to look at the grisly sight.**

There was a scream from some nearby bushes that was quickly muffled. Dora looked at the bushes, puzzled, but decided not to question it a moment later.

“That is _not_ natural behavior for natives of this environment,” said Ripper, having clapped his hand over Falchion’s mouth.

Falchion “MMMMMMMMPH”-ed in response. Ripper took this as a sign that if he let his partner communicate freely, whatever utterances he'd make would not be good in any way.

Dora then put the gun back in her backpack (no, not Backpack the character!) and **accidentally pulled the trigger** , blowing it to bits. **All her tools flew out – a bit of string, some sand, a shovel, Phineas and Ferb, and a piece of belly lint. Dora ran off and stared at the lint. 'Nooooo!' she cried. 'You were my first friend. I still remember pulling you out when I was a baby.'**

“Your behavior confuses and irritates me, Dora,” said Ripper.

“What the heck?!” asked Phineas, rubbing the back of his triangular head where he’d hit it against the pavement. “Where _are_ we?”

Ripper gave his partner a look as though to say, _Do_ not _give us away._ Before Falchion could respond, Ripper had stolen out of the bushes and made his way over to the two boys. Dora was none the wiser, as she and Boots were now crossing the bridge.

Once Ripper had neuralyzed the boys and sent them back to their home continuum, he returned to the bushes to find Falchion crouched on the ground, another puddle of vomit at his feet.

“She killed him!” cried Falchion. “She _flocking killed him!!_ ”

“We could be dealing with a near total possession for all I know,” said Ripper. “I have my Tau Cannon with me in case we have to get rid of—”

Falchion leapt to his feet, and in an instant he was right in front of his partner, shaking him violently.

“YOU CAN’T KILL HER! SHE’S ONE OF THEM! SHE IS BEYOND LIFE OR DEATH, SHE—”

Ripper responded by kneeing him between the legs and hissing, “ _That’s enough._ ”

Falchion moaned in pain and slumped to the ground, clutching his crotch. Despite Ripper’s attempt to get him to snap out of it, though, he was still imagining Dora suddenly shouting something in eldritch tongue, followed by tentacles emerging from her orifices to molest wildlife. At this point, it wouldn’t be a surprise if that actually happened.

A chapter shift made the world and the agents wobble. Next thing they knew, they found themselves next to the road again. Dora and Boots were continuing on their not-so-merry way; when Dora asked how long it would be before they got to the **Big Dog Poop On The Sidewalk** , Boots’ response was a blunt **'About eleven minutes.'**

“I guess that should give us enough time to regroup,” said Ripper.

Then Dora wished that the Poop was here now, and… **WHIZZ! BANG! WHAZZ! KABOOM!**

**And the Big Dog Poop on the Sidewalk suddenly appeared on the sidewalk in front of Dora and Boots.**

For the second time that day, a very green-faced Falchion regretted that his sense of smell was more acute in human form; Ripper was less affected, being used to tracking via dung scent, but he still resisted the urge to dry-heave. Thankfully, the rest of the chapter consisted of Swiper confronting the canon duo, just like in the show for once.

“We are _leaving_ ,” said Ripper. He didn’t want his partner to throw up a third time.

He opened a portal and hauled Falchion through. Making sure to skip the following chapter, which _also_ involved a lot of manure (in more ways than one), the agents landed at the start of Chapter Five.

Well, Ripper was the one who actually landed. Falchion was dragged by the ankle through the portal, since he was too busy weeping hysterically now to even get off the ground.

The Author’s Note screamed above them:

 

> **{Well hello there! I, FunnyGuy2000, King of Dora Crackfics, am back and ready to continue writing! Were you all warmed up with suspense from the last chapter? WERE YOU?** **WERE YOU?** **}**
> 
> **{Well good, because the mystery continues with CHAPTER FIVE!}**
> 
> **{DISCLAIMER: No. Just no.}**

Ripper shook his head. “I don’t think the author is taking this seriously anymore. Nor do I think they were taking it seriously to begin with, which may actually be the entire point of this whole mess.”

Falchion cried out, sinking to his knees. “That voice… It _whispered_ to me! Oh Legendaries, they _know! They know!_ ”

For some strange reason (strange being a relative term, given that the whole fic made no sense to begin with), Dora had somehow acquired what was now known as an **Astronaut Summoning Device** (or the ASD for short). Boots read the instructions aloud, revealing that it could only be used three times — and that Dora had already used it once.

 _How is it going to help you?!_ Ripper thought, shaking his head.

However, it soon became quite clear what role the device had in the series of events that only vaguely resembled a plot. Dora held the ASD’s microphone and shouted, **'I want a new pair of pants, BIYATCH!'**

Sure enough, the astronaut which the device apparently summoned appeared a second time, and gave her a new pair of pants.

Then Dora requested that the pants be bigger (but not twice as big as her, just size XXL) — **For, as you see, Dora was very fat.**

At this, Dora suddenly inflated like a balloon until she was morbidly obese. Ripper clapped his hand over Falchion’s mouth yet again.

“What I would give to eat her if I could,” Ripper muttered. “Should we finish this now, or just let her continue festering?”

Falchion whimpered in terror. Ripper sighed, knowing that he probably wasn’t going to get any answers from him until he recovered completely.

Once Dora managed to get her pants back to proper size, Boots tried to use the ASD, only for it to blow up in his face due to Dora already using it three times.

 _Then why would you use it for pants in the first place?_ thought Ripper. _You’d have another pair in your back— oh. Wait._

Before he could finish that thought, however, Boots declared that it was snack time for some reason. Ripper would swear he heard his stomach rumble, but he ignored it.

Falchion’s appetite started doing battle with his Suebuprofen-induced paranoia. It did _not_ help, either, that despite Dora accidentally blowing up her Backpack earlier, the canons somehow produced **five hamburgers, six bags of Chicken McNuggets, ten king-sized chocolate bars, two jumbo packs of marshmallows, a bacon-wrapped turkey, and a banana.**

Boots ate the banana neatly and politely. Dora, on the other hand… well, to say that she exhibited bad table manners would be an understatement. Falchion watched in horror as she shoved all the food down at once. Yes, _all at once._ Within less than a minute, **She was so fat, she wasn't even able to move her arms and legs!**

Falchion couldn’t stand it any longer. He launched himself out of the bushes with a scream of panic, fury, and revulsion all at once.

“FALCHION, _NO!!_ ”

If Ripper hadn’t pounced upon his partner and slammed him to the ground… well, let’s just say that a twenty-something Asian colliding with a giant lard tub which was once a renowned children’s cartoon character wouldn’t have been pretty.

Dora stared in shock at the two of them. Boots backed away. And then Dora proceeded to projectile-vomit at the agents for no reason whatsoever.

Ripper stepped aside at the last moment, and the puke naturally missed him. Falchion, of course, was completely drenched in chunky green sludge.

His screams carried for miles.

Ripper looked first at his hapless, hysterical partner, and then at the still-inflated Dora. He promptly facepalmed with an exasperated sigh.

“Must you make me do _everything_ myself, brother?”

Before anyone could react, he’d taken out a smoke bomb and lobbed it at Dora’s distended belly.

It hit her square in the navel, sending her sprawling. As soon as the smoke began to blanket the area, she started convulsing, her eyes rolling back over her head and her mouth beginning to foam.

“SHE RISES!” Falchion’s voice was an almost inhuman scream. “ _SHE RISES!!!_ ”

And then Dora vomited. Kind of.

The Sue-wraith seemed to pour out of Dora’s mouth and nostrils, its numerous ghostly tentacles — puke green in color, of course, and dripping with chunky ectoplasm — seeming to spread outward like some nightmarish, ethereal cephalopod. Dora’s belly seemed to shrink back to its normal size while the wraith was making its exit.

'What are you doing?!' Its voice was a grating, high-pitched roar.

“Whatever you are,” Ripper hissed, “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of possessing Dora, driving her and everyone else OOC, causing her to act so random, stupid, and needlessly disgusting that she couldn’t touch her canon self with a mile-long pole, and traumatizing my partner via inducing a Suebuprofen overdose. Goodbye.”

Before the wraith could react, he’d pulled out his Tau Cannon and opened fire. Every blast hit at least one tentacle, and one hideous scream later, the wraith exploded into green sludge, exiting Dora’s mouth in the process. There was a lingering scent of bile in the air.

Then there was a loud crashing noise in the distance. Cracks started appearing in the sky, a clear sign that the fic was falling apart.

Falchion didn’t stop to think. He grabbed the RA from Ripper, before opening two portals: one to FicPsych, and one back to their RC.

Ripper understood at once. He picked up Dora and then threw her through the portal to FicPsych, and then kicked a very confused Boots through. The agents proceeded to turn tail and dive through the portal to their RC — just in time for the fic to implode behind them.

 

********************

 

**Post-Mission**

 

The good news: Falchion was back in his normal, avian form when he stumbled through the portal, so he didn’t have to worry about any extra laundry this weekend.

The bad news: He was still covered in puke from head crest to toe talons.

“ARCEUS FLOCKING DAMMIT, WHY? _WHYYYYY?!_ ” he screeched, looking down at his dripping plumage.

Ripper backed away, regretting that as a dinosaur he couldn’t wrinkle his snout at the smell. “I’m so sorry, Falchion. It should’ve been me and me alone who went in there. Taking you along was a mistake—”

“A mistake! _A mistake!_ ” Falchion began sobbing. “The glitter… The stomach juice sparkly Tauros-shit… It’s in my Basilisk wounds! My orifices! My _everything!_ ”

Ripper sighed, rubbing the top of his head with one of his wing claws. “I should probably get you to Medical, then—”

“ _I’M UNCLEEEEEEAN!!_ ”

Before Ripper could even take another step, Falchion was out the door, screaming all the way.

The hapless _Deinonychus_ stared at the open door for a long while afterward, shaking his feathered head, his recurved teeth bared slightly.

“If there are any gods you humans believe in, please let me be fossilized again,” he muttered to himself.

Then the console let out a nervous [Bip?]

Ripper turned to answer the device, switching to his human disguise without missing a beat. He smiled, and typed a reply. Well, nothing like an old nemesis to distract him from today’s fiasco, right?

With that thought in mind, he shouldered his bag, and strode out the door himself — though not before making a mental note to make a beeline for Medical the first chance he got.

 

**[END]**

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Of all the things I could’ve done to herald the return of my PPC persona, whom I have abandoned for almost a year and a half, this should not have been one of them. Poor, poor Falchion. XD I had way too much fun writing this mission, though, which is something that hasn’t happened with a Floaters mission for a very long while, so that’s a plus.
> 
> Due to some extenuating circumstances, this is also the first mission I’ve written entirely on my mobile device, which is no easy feat by any stretch of the imagination! Thank Arceus I didn’t have to drag it out too long, though. I was sorely tempted to have either a) The Sue-wraith turning into a troll of the badfic variety or b) Ripper exorcising Dora by blasting the show’s theme song at maximum volume, but I decided that this mission looked fine without either of them. You know what they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. XP
> 
> Despite the indignities Falchion went through with this mission, I’m sure he’s more than happy to be back in business, because I’ll be focusing on my DF team until further notice or at least until the conclusion of some very important events I have in store for them. Anyway, thanks for reading, y’all! Stay tuned for more to come… probably next year. I need a new job already! x_x
> 
> — SkarmorySilver


End file.
